Honestly, I’m Lonely

Jul 7, 2015 by

          I’ve been feeling shitty lately. That tells you nothing. It told me nothing too. I just knew that I was feeling off. I didn’t know why. But I won’t shrug off a shitty feeling and hope it goes away. I need to get to the cause. I know what a shitty feeling that gets out of control can do to the mind, so I need to understand it in order to address it before it becomes more than just a shitty feeling. It’s how I stay happy: I don’t let myself stay sad.

          Although necessary, getting to the why isn’t fun. Getting to the why typically requires some internal analysis, which usually requires some getting lost inside of my own head at the price of being fully present in real life (actually, this is probably more of a warning sign than a coping mechanism) and some crying in my car (which you should totally do the next time you’re feeling shitty. It’s therapeutic. Add Arctic Monkeys in the background and you’ve got the perfect cry-until-you-feel-better setup. Do I Wanna Know? is my all-purpose crying song. You can borrow it when you need it – under the condition that you do it up big. I’m talking full out singing through sobs while banging on your steering wheel.).

          Now that the crying in my car part is over/still happening, I’ve figured out why I’m upset: I’m lonely. It may seem strange that I’m lonely when I’m surrounded by friends on a daily basis, but I didn’t say I’m alone. I’m not alone. My life is full of beautiful people. I said I’m lonely. There’s a difference between being alone and being lonely. I define being alone as a state of simply being without people around you. I think of being lonely as the feeling of being alone, whether people are around you or not. You can be alone without feeling lonely. You can feel lonely without being alone.

          I can tell you exactly where my recent loneliness is routed: I don’t have a person, and I’ve been more highly aware of that lately. I’m still very much of the opinion that we don’t need any one particular person to be happy, so let me clarify what I mean by “a person.” I do not mean someone specific. I also do not mean someone who is in my life forever or a boyfriend or “the one.” (You know I don’t believe in “the one.” I believe we get more than one.) It’s more of a type of relationship that I’m craving. To be honest, because I get so Miss-Independent about life, I almost forgot my own reason for wanting “a person” until a few weeks ago when a friend of mine nailed it: interest in day-to-day life. I miss having someone who’s interested in the details of my day and I miss being interested in the details of someone else’s day. I’m talking about the really little things, like my most recent encounter with a pigeon or my annoying tangents about grammar or my over-analyses of texts. On the flip side, I miss getting random updates on TV shows that I don’t even like or receiving messages like “I’m bored. What’s up?” or listening to stories about people on the bus. I miss there being no need to worry about text frequency or calling in the middle of the night or admitting how long it’s really been since last showering, because there’s mutual confidence in the bond that got you to that level of comfort.

          It’s been quite some time since I’ve had a person, so I know I don’t need one to be happy. But I think it’s okay to want one. It’s nice to have someone call at 1 am, panicked that you’re “obviously dead” because you forgot to text that you got home safe again. It makes you laugh. It also makes you feel – for lack of a less cheesy word – special.

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