It’s a Good Story, But That’s All It Is

Jun 1, 2015 by

          “It must make you feel good, having this guy that keeps popping up,” someone said to me.

          “Not really,” I responded. “He also keeps disappearing.”

          “Yeah, but he keeps popping up,” she reiterated.

          The idea of a reappearing guy being complimentary seemed strange to me. I guess I see the situation for what it is: a girl that lets a guy come no matter how many times he goes. (Oh! Unintentional pun! FYI: None of that is happening.)

 

***

 

          I called one of my girlfriends the other day for some advice: to text or not to text? She told me it doesn’t matter.

          “It’s a moot point,” she said. “If it’s not this time, it’ll be another time. You’re going to text him eventually, because you want to. You may see him. You may sleep with him. Will any of that set you back? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe seeing him again will make you question what you like about him. You two are not friends. You’ve never been friends. There’s always been an attraction, so every time there’s contact, it’s leading to something.”

          “So don’t text?” I guessed.

          “It’s a moot point. He’s still a very active part of your life with or without being in it,” she said.

          “Because I still think about him,” I agreed. “You know, it blows my mind how present someone can be without actually being there. I haven’t seen him in forever, but it doesn’t feel like that because he’s been on my mind.”

          “Which is why I don’t think it makes a difference whether or not you text. Until you decide he’s not going to be in your life in any capacity, he will be. It doesn’t matter if you see him. It doesn’t matter what anyone tells you. My opinion doesn’t matter. What matters is how you feel. But you already know all of this.”

          I appreciated her acknowledgment of my awareness. Most people think I need the he’s-a-douchebag, he-doesn’t-care-about-you, you’re-not-of-value-to-him approach. I don’t. I already know all of that.

          “I get it. I was obsessed,” she said in reference to a guy from her past, “and I can definitely say that getting over him was truly one of the hardest times of my life.”

          “How did you get to the point that you were over him?” I asked.

          “I just decided that I wasn’t going to settle for that anymore – not just with him, but with any guy. I knew people in long-term relationships, and I had never really had one, but it seemed like there was something to that. I wanted to know what that was all about. A few months later, I met my fiancé. I know you’ve tried dating. You just haven’t had much luck yet.”

          “I think my feelings for him have had a lot to do with that,” I said.

          “Oh, for sure,” she agreed. “I don’t think you’re ready to let him go yet.”

          “I’m not,” I replied with certainty.

          “I think you still think there’s hope,” she continued.

          “I do!” I exclaimed in annoyance at myself. Of course I do. “I feel like he and I can do no wrong. He can say things that would make me stop talking to any other guy, and I still want him. I can say things that would turn any other guy off, and he’s still attracted to me.”

          “You’re still open to being hurt,” she said, “and it really comes down to how much hurt you’re willing to take. How many times are you willing to cry at the Eiffel Tower?”

          I burst out laughing at the realization that the Eiffel Tower is not just my metaphor, but also a metaphor amongst my friends.

          “Seriously, whenever I see the Eiffel Tower, I think of you.”

          “Oh my God, girl, I’m so sorry!” I laughed. “You haven’t even been yet!”

          “Oh, pfft, it’s okay,” I heard her shrug.

          “I’m not going to text,” I decided.

          “Again, it’s a moot point,” she repeated.

          That’s exactly why I decided not to. The valid argument that I won’t be over him until I decide to be over him, no matter what I do – text him or not, see him or not, sleep with him or not – made me feel empowered to do as I please. It made me feel free of the frustrating no-contact rule I’ve placed on myself. For the first time in a long time, it made me feel like I can do whatever I want with regard to him. That sense of freedom put me in the position to ask myself what I wanted in that moment, and honestly, I didn’t want to see him. I was having a good day. I didn’t want to ruin it.

Happiness Tip: Call a friend.

 
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