That’s What I Want(ed)?

May 8, 2015 by

“I’m not a Plan B. I’m a Plan Fucking A.”

– Christal Chow


          “Maybe I should start dating, while I’m starting to not want him and before he randomly pops in again,” I said to my best wingwoman last night while sitting across from her on her couch.

          “You should,” she encouraged. “What’s stopping you?”

          “Me,” I answered honestly.




          When you haven’t seen someone in a long time, it’s really easy to idealize that person in your mind. When at a level of zero contact, you can exaggerate the good and minimize the crap, because the actual person isn’t around to force reality. You can get lost in a state of wanting someone so badly that you make that person out to be worth wanting, even if he or she doesn’t characterize what you’re looking for. That person’s return, if and when it happens, could go two ways: it could exhilarate you and perpetuate your ideal or it could disappoint you and bring you back to reality. It could even go both ways at once. Re-engaging with someone after a lot of progress brought about by a lot of distance could revert you to square one or keep you moving forward, and there’s no way to know for sure until there’s contact.

          I’ve been reflecting on something the guy I really want – or wanted (because I’m not so sure anymore) – said to me. I’m not going to repeat it here, because it was degrading and that’s all you need to know to see my point: it was degrading. I can think of two guys before him who have said something comparably low to me. I stopped talking to both immediately. Being able to categorize this guy with those two has made me seriously reevaluate his character against my standards. I like/liked him (again, I’m not sure of the status on that) because I liked the way he made me feel when I was with him; but thinking back with more clarity, he’s made me feel like a play thing more often than he’s made me feel like a person. Contemplating the words I got from him, I began questioning: That’s what I was attracted to? Because I can do much better, i.e. a guy who treats me with respect. That’s the person I’ve been writing about? Because they sound like two different people. That’s the guy I’ve been waiting for? Because I no longer feel like I’d be lucky to have him.

          Don’t quote me on this, but I think the wanting is starting to stop. I’m not sure, because it feels surreal. It’s strange to suddenly consider the possibility of not wanting someone that you’ve wanted for so long. There’s something doubtful about it. Yet, when I compare the reality of him to my memory, I’m fairly confident that he’s not what I’ve been looking for. I’m fairly confident that I’ve been holding on to a figure of my imagination that I used to think he resembled.

Happiness Tip: Stick to your standards.

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