It’s Only Complicated When People Make it Complicated

Mar 21, 2015 by

“When I’m not being honest, I pretend that you were just some lover.”

Love is a Laserquest, Arctic Monkeys

 

          I have a friend who’s trying to figure out what she wants from a guy she has definite feelings for. There’s a lot more to the story than that, but all you need to know is they have a long history in which she lost him to someone else for years until he recently returned. I think she wants a relationship with him and should go for it, but what I think doesn’t matter. She has to decide what she wants for herself. I understand why she’s torn. Someone she cares a lot about caused her a lot of pain, disappeared, and now poses uncertainty.

          “I get why it’s hard,” I told her. “This guy burned you, and it was harsh.”

          “But he also came back,” she said.

          Precisely.

          He came back, and more important than the fact that he came back is the fact that she’s happy he came back. That alone is reason for her to go for him. Therefore, I wasn’t going to give her some bullshit advice about doing better than him because of something that happened years ago. What I suggested instead was that she ask herself what makes her happy and answer honestly. If it’s a relationship with him, I encouraged her to talk to him about it.

          The what-ifs and but-if-onlys don’t matter. If you want someone, you go for that someone, so you can’t wonder what might have happened had you tried. If a person makes you happy, that’s it. That’s enough justification to be with him or her. If you enter a relationship and there comes a point that you aren’t happy with that person anymore, you end it. That’s all. Better to try and end than to not try at all.

          Feelings aren’t complicated. The people behind them are. If you want someone, say it. If that person wants you too, be together. Don’t worry about what happens if it doesn’t work out. A lot of times, it won’t. That’s okay. We need different people at different stages, and that’s fine. Time spent with someone who contributes to your happiness in the moment is never a waste.

          “You’re allowed to forgive him and want him now,” I told my friend. “But if that’s your path of choice, let go of all fear of rejection and fear of it not working out that’s routed in what happened before.”

          I think sometimes, after people exit our lives on bad terms, we spend so much time instructing ourselves on how to react to avoid repeat pain if those people return that we’re hesitant to do as we please when it actually happens. For example, if in the past you were adamant that you’d never speak to someone again, you may be reluctant to do so when the opportunity arises, even if you really want to. I’m here to tell you to do whatever you want. What you used to think or what other people advise doesn’t matter. I’m here to tell you what I told my friend: ask yourself what makes you happy and answer honestly.

          Honestly, if I heard from that guy I cried about at the Eiffel Tower today and he wanted to see me, I’d say yes, no matter how many times I’ve told myself I shouldn’t and no matter how many friends would protectively scold me for it. I’d say yes, because I never wanted him gone. I’d say yes, because despite all progress, I’d still be happy to, and I know it. I’d say yes, because I’m allowed to forgive whomever I want of whatever I choose.

          So are you.

 
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