You Can Kiss Yourself Better

Feb 6, 2015 by

“Don’t devalue yourself. I think he liked you, but he doesn’t know what he wants; so he doesn’t want you, because he doesn’t know what he wants.”

– The wonderful friend who recently reassured that wonderful things will happen


          There is a popular notion that in order to get over someone, you need to get under someone new. I disagree. Sure, I think that being interested in someone new can help you move on, but it’s not necessary. It’s probably the quickest route to overcoming unreciprocated feelings or a breakup or whatever it is that’s complicated, but there’s a lot of valuable insight and satisfaction that comes from doing it the hard way, the do-it-yourself way. Depending on yourself and your own resources, instead of hoping for someone else to overshadow your pain, is not only rewarding for the lessons and self-discovery that come with it, but also for the gratifying sense of self-reliance. It gives you further proof that you make yourself happy, and the resulting confidence carries into other aspects of your life and positively influences how you tackle future obstacles. That guy I cried about at the Eiffel Tower led to a lot of stress and self-questioning, but the amount I have learned from dealing with the anxiety and insecurity is worth much more to me than finding a new guy to like.

          Don’t get me wrong; I want a boyfriend. I just want to finish healing myself first, because no one else can kiss it better than me. If I let someone else fix it, future me is susceptible to the idea that I have to continuously be under someone to be happy. If I better myself autonomously, I have added security in my belief that happiness is self-created, giving me ongoing confidence in my coping skills when similar situations arise later in life. Furthermore, I expect that settling my feelings and boosting my spirit before pursuing another guy will put me in an optimal position to foster a healthy, happy relationship with someone new when I’m ready.

          Presently, I’m proud to report that I’m doing very well on my own. Over the past month, I’ve gradually noticed that he’s of much less interest to me. It’s the combined result of forgiving him, which has enabled me to let my frustration toward him go, and being so busy learning something new that my mind doesn’t have as much opportunity to go to him. When I’m about to fling myself around a pole, my attention is on my grip and my body placement, and that is all. Even better, because I’m using a physically demanding activity to cope, I feel fucking fantastic knowing that I’ve turned an emotionally taxing situation into something good for my body.

          The best part? Although I’m focusing on myself right now and still don’t feel like actively dating, I’m genuinely opening up to the idea of other guys. I’m not fully over this one yet and it may still be a while until I am; but given that I’ve progressed at such an accelerated rate since the end of December, I can confidently say that I’m well on my way there. Changing my coping method has changed my perspective on him. I used to think he was worth the eggshell walking and the doubt, even though they were impeding on my happiness. I used to believe he was my guy. I used to be in it for the story. Now that my happiness and my confidence are back on an incline, I’m thinking with a more rationally driven perspective: No one is worth my happiness. He is not my guy. I don’t just want a story; I want a relationship, and I want that relationship to be with someone new.

Happiness Tip: You do not need to get under someone new to get over someone else.

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