What To Do When You Miss Someone Who Doesn’t Miss You

Jan 24, 2015 by

          If you were to look at my Google search history since the summer, you’d see a lot of “how to stop missing someone.” All yielded responses essentially come down to one tactic: distraction. Sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn’t. It definitely doesn’t get rid of the missing altogether. Being an act of diverted attention by definition, distraction is certainly a temporary fix, at least initially. Having said that, when you miss someone, avoiding the feeling is often your best bet.

          I know making yourself overly busy and still constantly thinking about someone is exhausting. In the summer, it didn’t matter if I was at work, out with friends, or in another fucking country, I was always in the same spot: I was always in the back of my mind, stressing about the same someone. Ongoing contemplation about where I stood with that person, if I was still standing, had gotten me so used to being on edge that the edge felt normal. I was anxious because I knew I couldn’t change the situation. Bottom line: I missed someone who didn’t miss me.

          What do you do when you miss someone who doesn’t miss you?

          Nothing.

          You do nothing.

          You do absolutely nothing.

          Thankfully, I knew to do nothing. Some people don’t. Some people try to convince the people they want to want them too. I’ve been that route before, so I know from experience that it’s counterproductive. Therefore, in this case, I didn’t bother. I had already made my feelings and intentions clear. When they were not reciprocated, I knew to be respectful.

          Doing nothing is not easy. Nothing is exactly what you don’t want. You want to text and talk and see and kiss and la, la, la. I know. I’m the chick who has put her phone in the trunk of her car for full days just to do nothing. Trust me, I know you want to do the opposite of nothing. Resist that. Doing nothing not only gives the other person the respect of his or her feelings that he or she deserves, it gains you respect. It makes you feel better about yourself by helping you reclaim some of the self-control and dignity you may have felt you lost in the missing process.

          This is where distraction comes into play. Doing nothing is the very reason why distracting yourself is so important. In order to do nothing, you have to do something. You have to do many things. You have to fill your days with activities and people you enjoy that are unrelated to the person you’re doing nothing with. You may think about that person while you’re doing whatever it is that you’re doing, and that’s okay. It might not feel okay, but it’s fine. Eventually, after a lot more time than you hope it’s going to take, that person won’t be in the background of everything that you do. He or she may not be gone; but after a lot of doing something in dedication to doing nothing, your thoughts will gradually become yours again. In leaving that person to his or her world, your world will refocus on you.

          What do you do when you miss someone who doesn’t miss you?

          You do nothing.

          You give that person space.

          You give that person space to reclaim your own space.

          Lastly, you wish that person happiness. You always wish that person happiness.

Happiness Tip: The more space you give, the more space you get.

 
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28 Comments

  1. Thank you for writing this. Exactly what I needed to hear tonight. Exactly what I have been doing this summer, missing someone who doesn’t miss me, but I didn’t give in and text them and thanks to this article I am more likely to keep on that path.

  2. Vicky

    This article helped me so much. it hurts when you miss and love someone and think non stop about what he is doing with who…
    you feel like a slave to your thoughts but you can controll them by telling yourself ” not now”. I thought the weeks after he broke up in a very nasty and shady way that he hurts me all the time because he doesnt react when i try to contact him, but in the end i was hurting myself by trying again and again to talk to him. Now this is almost 4 month ago and im still very hurt about the way things ended but i dont cry so often anymore, wrote him weeks ago final words, without he responding-what else- and i allowed myself to let go. What was really not helpful was to hear storys like, oh after i was happy without me , he came back ect. im happy for these people but for people like me, it gives us in a phase shortly after the break up, alot of wrong hope and stopes us from trying to get over…
    the best you can tell yourself is like this article said: do nothing. Stop hurt yourself by being the active and the other is the passive. And allow yourself to let ge, universe is good with you in ways we mostly dont understand. There are reasons why some people that once came in our life, will leave our life again…

    greetings from Germany
    Vicky

    • Vicky, the first thing I noticed about your response is the ownership you take over your actions. Good for you.

      I really like that you control your thoughts by telling yourself “not now.” That tactic could be applied to any spiraling thought. I’m going to try it.

      An important point you raised is that doing nothing is not intended to get someone back. It is a move forward that radiates respect and resilience. Best wishes as you continue to work past the hurt.

  3. Milo

    Thank you for this. I have done “nothing” since I felt she’s made up her mind and it’s been 4 months. Almost gave in but saw this and it saved me.

  4. I”ve been struggling for a month I begged, cried even had negative thoughts amd this person didn’t care no reaction, blocked me it was like a addict I was desperate couldn’t function then I read this and that’s what I started doing “nothing ” its the hardest thing but I feel I got my dignity back and after seeing him not having any emotions made me look at him differently I would never want such a cold hearted person in my future! Now I feel everything happens for a reason🙏

  5. Farwa

    But what to do if my heart suddenly stops beating and I completely lost in his thoughts
    At that time the only thing I want is just to die..
    I can not help myself because letting him know that I am missing him and not to let him both make me feel helpless

    • Respecting his space is respecting your own. Space is important to eventually stop feeling helpless. Create that space for yourself, Farwa.

  6. Paul

    I agree. It’s rough. It’s necessary. It’s the right thing to do.

  7. Vaishnavi

    I really miss my friend. She is not talking to me recently. She learnt to be alone.. We used to be like soul sisters. It hurts to think that she changed all of a sudden. I couldn’t bear this pain.

  8. Doug Davenport

    How do you apply this when it’s your sisters and dad that you miss so much and they want nothing to do with you and they mean everything to you and it’s been 5years?

    • Doug, I’m sorry to hear that you’re missing people that are important to you. That’s difficult to cope with no matter who they are or how long it’s been. I can’t tell you what will work best for you, but I can elaborate on the approach I took.

      When I’m coping, I try to identify if a situation is something I can change or if it’s something I can’t and therefore have to change my perspective.

      I’m a big proponent of awkward conversations (what would you do if you weren’t afraid, right?), so my first step in this case was to directly express my feelings to the person I wanted in my life. When they weren’t reciprocated, I found myself in the latter situation.

      While missing someone that didn’t miss me, I knew I couldn’t make that person miss me back or want me present, so I chose to respect his space and ultimately change how I looked at the situation.

      I believe that people come and go in our lives and sometimes they come back and sometimes they don’t. I think that’s beautiful. I like that the people around me change. I like that we have moments with people and those moments pass to give way to other moments.

      It’s sad to feel loss, but how long I’m sad for is up to me. In this case, I eventually decided to stop missing this person, because I didn’t like the sadness missing him made me feel. I acknowledged the beauty that was our moment and I let myself let him go. I was ready to leave my moment with him for other moments with other people.

      I hope you’re one day ready too.

  9. Pabs

    I tried many times to convinced her to be together, that we can still make work and be happy, but she didn’t want to be with me anymore. I gave the little dignity that I had left, and now here I am reading this, and even though I know what to do, I had to search to see what other would do. Is time to say goodbye to her and move on, even though it hurts, she deserves respect, and I deserve better.

  10. mackenzie

    this helped me so much. lately i’ve been contacting my ex so much and i miss him so much so i feel desperate and let out my feelings to him…and all he responded with was “k” and i would see him comment “❤💦💦” on other girls pictures and u would cry every night so i looked up “how to stop missing someone who doesn’t miss you” and this article came up, i read it and took your advice. now i feel as confident as ever! my ex see’s that i’ve moved on and happy and love my life without him, so he contacted me and said “hey i see your happy without me and your life seems much better than mine….so i was wondering if you could bring me joy and purpose agian and go out with me” and i didn’t say anything now he stopped commenting on other girls pictures and i stopped crying every night over him…he texts me and comments on my pictures but i ignore him…my life is great but now he is the one crying over me and feeling the pain he put me through, the heartache that i felt, and the loneliness i discovered….and i’m glad he got a taste of his own medicine. but none of this would’ve happened without this article you took your time to write to help people. so i want to thank you soooooooooo much for putting my life back on the right track!!! ❤😇😇

    • Mackenzie, I’m so happy that you’re happy! This was all you, girl! Thank you for reading!

  11. Heartless

    I’m not sure if it works because I don’t really trust something so easily. But, I’ve to agree with this article. When you miss him (in my case), the best thing that I could do (at this moment) is to do nothing. Because he doesn’t do anything to show me how much he misses me. And I’m tired of being played over and over. He always said that he loved me but he kept hurting me by flirting with other woman who is my own sister. And it sucks how you’ve to give up realizing how much you loved your sister when she’s a real biotch. Good thing I block him on Facebook. At first, it’s hard but as time goes you know you do the right thing.

    • Time is certainly helpful in coming to terms with missing someone. Thank you for reading, friend.

  12. This article helped me so much. I have re-read it a couple times when I felt tempted to contact my ex again, and so far I’ve been able to hold back from doing so. Thank you for writing this and sharing it. 🙂

  13. Jessica

    Going to try this. It’s so hard. But this is really good advice, so than you

  14. That was eloquently written, and highlights a point that is otherwise lost in a sea of thoughts: respecting the feelings of someone who may not respect yours. Thank you for this.

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