Stubbornly Single

Dec 2, 2014 by

“ . . . studies show that facts don’t actually matter when you have a deeply held opinion. That’s right. If I told you that 2 + 2 = 4, but you believe that 2 + 2 = 5, no amount of evidence can make you change your mind. In fact, any evidence that I provide that contradicts you is only going to make you believe in your original premise more.”

Evan Marc Katz

 

          I genuinely believe that I’ve already met my guy. I tell myself that it’s bullshit. I write that it’s bullshit. I hold the perspective that there is no one perfect person for anyone, which rules it bullshit. However, because I believe otherwise with regard to one particular guy, none of that matters. What is rational is void, and what other people say in attempt to sway my opinion is invalid. That goes for every strongly held belief. Our own worlds revolve around the truths that we create for ourselves. For example, there was a time that I truly believed happiness didn’t exist, so in my world it didn’t. It was not until I successfully reversed that belief that I was able to change my world. I altered my perception by changing my behaviour in favour of happiness, which began to reveal its undeniable existence. Thus, the solution to igniting my dating life must be to change my ridiculous belief that I’ve already met my guy.

          I know it’s not going to be easy. I could repeat to myself until I cry that he and I are never going to happen, but it’s not going to do anything if I don’t actually think it’s true. Reiterating lies to myself is not acceptance; it’s denial. Therefore, like I did when I didn’t believe in happiness, I have to prove myself wrong. To do so, I have to change my behaviour in favour of getting to know new guys with legitimate boyfriend potential; because the only way to lower this guy’s significance to me is to show myself that there are other guys I’m attracted to. To boost my chances of finding them, I have to date often. Sure, I’ve recently given online dating another go for the first time since January, but I’ve been averaging a once-per-week login rate on OKCupid and three to five swipes per rare use of Tinder. Basically, I’ve been very occasionally utilizing online dating resources just to say I’m doing something, while I’m really doing next to nothing. I’m not being purposeful, and I’m not putting in consistent effort.

          Yesterday, I read a couple articles by Evan Marc Katz, a no-bullshit dating coach that doesn’t care for women’s excuses. In his post Why You’re a Hypocrite, I’m a Hypocrite, and We Both Have to Change, he discuses the importance of discipline in finding love and achieving goals in general. Essentially, his message is that to attain something, you have to work toward it regularly. Thus, to find a boyfriend, I have to date regularly. This reminded me of a Gretchen Rubin quote: “What you do every day matters more than what you do once in a while.” I could go on a random date here or there, but that’s not dating. Dating is something done on an ongoing basis. If I want to discontinue my belief that I’ve already found my guy in favour of finding a boyfriend, I need to expose myself to new guys frequently. Sending a few messages once per week doesn’t matter. If I seriously want a boyfriend, I seriously need to date on a regular basis. The boyfriend search needs to be a part of my daily life. Evan suggests that single people dedicate 30 minutes per day toward finding a relationship. I’m going to do it. I’m going to do it because I need my stubborn belief that I don’t need to look because I’ve already found him shattered. I’m going to do it because if I don’t change my behaviour, I won’t change my perspective; and if I don’t change my perspective, I won’t change my world.

 
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