Nov 10, 2014 by

“They say everything – it happens for a reason. You can be flawed enough but perfect for a person.”

You and Me, You+Me


          Fate, the idea of two people meant to meet and re-meet and keep re-meeting, is an alluring concept. But it’s a dangerous one. When you believe something is undoubtedly going to happen, there is no urgency to act. There is no reason to make something happen. When you get caught up in the certainty of inevitability, you wait.

          Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about what I’m doing that’s keeping me from having a relationship. Essentially, it all comes down to not being open to one. You’d think wanting one makes openness a given. That’s what I thought too. I also thought dating was evidence of that openness. The reality is that dating is irrelevant if you’re emotionally unavailable. Until recently, I hadn’t viewed myself as emotionally unavailable. How could I, a girl that wants a boyfriend, be anything but available? The flaw in my logic was that I am not a girl that wants a boyfriend; I am a girl that wants a boy. I subconsciously fell for the notion of fate, and consequently became faithful to the supposed object of mine. Thus, not only am I emotionally unavailable, I am hesitant to commit to anyone else for fear that doing so will make me inaccessible to my inevitable. While swearing disbelief in fate, I’ve been acting like it’s real by waiting for him to happen to me again.

          Clearly, my newfound perspective on romance is in need of an intervention. Evidently, it is too easy to string a set of chance encounters together and label them fate. Because step one of self-intervention is acceptance, instead of continuing to insist that I don’t believe in fate, I am acknowledging that I have somehow come to the conclusion that I was meant to reencounter him. Now, I can decisively dispose of that idealistic notion and revert my romantic belief system back to one of causation, one in which I have options, one in which there is no single perfect person for anyone. Fate is too narrow in scope. Fate is inopportune. Fate implies that people have no choice, which goes against my entire life ideology. It encourages stagnation, because that’s what fate is: waiting for your destiny to be unveiled to you.

          Newly aware that I’ve gotten caught up in fate, I’ve been considering its repercussions. The most detrimental is the surrender of my power over my circumstance. By giving my relationship search up to fate, I relinquished my sense of control for a conclusion that only appears to be guaranteed. In actuality, the chance is low and the risk is high, because no distant-future, meant-to-be, he’s-probably-interested-but-just-isn’t-ready-yet boyfriend is worth the real thing. That’s the difference between fate and causation. Fate is a maybe. Causation has potential. Why hold out for a maybe? Why refrain from openly going after what I want for a story without a conclusion? Believers in fate say everything happens for a reason. Believers in causation know that they are their own reason behind every happening. Therefore, I am my own cause. I’ve been single because I’ve wanted to be.

Happiness Tip: Don’t fall for fate.

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