Destination Unknown

Nov 7, 2014 by

“You can drive all night, looking for the answers in the pouring rain. You wanna find peace of mind, looking for the answer.”

Cigarette Daydreams, Cage the Elephant

 

          On Tuesday, I was unpacking my luggage and sorting my clothes in preparation to wash them when my little sister asked, “So what are you going to do now?”

          “What do you mean?” I replied. “In life?”

          “Yeah.”

          I smiled in amusement at the question being posed as if I had the answer. “I don’t know,” I said. “I try not to think about it. I stressed enough about that in Paris. I’m taking it day by day. Today: laundry!” I enthusiastically pointed at the little piles of clothes before me.

          She laughed. (Aw! I love her laugh! #homesweethome)

 

***

 

          Taking anything day by day is against my nature. Even though I know life doesn’t follow plans and I like that about it, in order to relax, I need the illusion that I have an idea of where I’m headed. Without that, my day-by-day approach is more me repeatedly telling myself to “just try not to freak out” than actually focusing on the present. I’m terrible at living in the present. I appear to be good at it because I’m the chick that does whatever makes herself happy; but really, most of my actions are calculated. Even the ones I don’t expect of myself, like going to Italy with Visa as my sponsor, are the product of much internal debate. I had been contemplating Italy for a little over a month before I booked my flight. One short month of deliberation is impulse in Maria world. In the end, I went because what someone told me at the time is true: few things in life are truly fatal.

          I’ve been reminding myself of that a lot lately. Sure, I could worry about what’s going to happen (and I do). Or I could just not (which I’m working on). What could I really do to screw up my life beyond repair? Be unemployed? I already am. It’s fucking awesome! Cutting my trip short has landed me in a comfortable position: I’m not broke, but I’m not working. (Note: I’m also not taking advantage of my parents. I’m 100 percent against that. I don’t believe parents should have to deal with the consequences of their adult children’s choices. Therefore, mine are currently being forced to take my rent money. They do not like it, but I am a million times more stubborn than they are, so I win.) I’m going to enjoy it, because why shouldn’t I? It’s unconventional? Most people wait until the end of their lives to take time off? You know how I feel about most people: don’t be them.

          I’m deciding to let this period in my life be an experiment in chilling the fuck out. That doesn’t mean I don’t have a sense of direction. It means accepting that I don’t have the answers, and choosing not to stress myself out trying to find them. It is reminding myself that all that matters at the end of each day is that I am happy. Right now, I am. Anxiously worrying about some uncertain future for fear of a potential state of unhappiness that may never come is senseless, especially now that I’ve proven to myself that happiness is a choice. Why would I ever stop choosing it?

Happiness Tip: Stop looking for the answers.

 
Previous: My Dear Paris Next: Generation Y: Over-criticized and Undervalued
 

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