Joining the 21st Century

Mar 10, 2014 by

          A month and a half ago, my friend and I were headed downtown. By the time we were nearing the Gardiner’s Spadina exit, we realized that we didn’t know how to get where we were going. As the passenger, I was suddenly in charge of directions.

          “I can’t believe how long it’s taking you to punch an address into that GPS right now,” my friend commented in annoyance, after asking me to do the impossible: successfully use unfamiliar technology.

          “It’s because the touchscreen on your GPS sucks,” I defended. “Can’t I use your phone?”

          “No, I’m out of data,” he explained.

          “How many gigs do you have?” I wondered.

          “One hundred megabytes,” he said.

          “What?! How do you survive?” I asked in shock.

          “How many gigs do you have, Theresa?” he retorted in reference to my old-school phone that slides upward and is incapable of internet connection.


          I laughed unexpectedly hard. “That was good,” I admitted.




This must be what conformity looks like.

This must be what conformity looks like.

          Friends, after months of internal debate, I’ve decided to get my first smartphone! In the summer, I was worried that getting a smartphone would cause me to be overly connected to social media. Ironically, social media is the reason I bought one. Yes, I got an iPhone 5c (there was absolutely no way I was paying an extra $100 for a finger-swiping 5s) to enable me to update Facebook and Twitter on the go and to eventually (when I’m ready) get Instagram! (What has become of me?) When most of your friends’ phones have your email address set as the default login when they sign out of their social media apps, you need to get your own smartphone.

          Let me tell you the mission it was to do so. I bought the phone just before Valentine’s Day. I had it shipped to my parents’ address because someone is always at their house to answer the door. Plus, I knew I’d have to go there as soon as I got it anyway to get an iPhone tutorial from one of my sisters, who knows way too much about Apple products to not be working for the company. Of course, UPS arrived at the one time no one was home, so my phone went to a nearby wireless location for pickup. No probs! Rogers had told me that all I’d have to do if this happened was show a piece of ID and the package would be released to me. Upon providing my license, I was denied my package because the shipping address on the package didn’t match the address on my ID. I explained that I was about to move, and hadn’t changed the address on my license yet.

          “Do you have a smartphone?” the guy ironically refusing me my smartphone asked. “If you show us an online bill with your name and this address on it, we can release your package.”

          “That is my smartphone,” I said as I pointed to the package.

          “Oh,” he replied.

          I called Rogers. They couldn’t do anything for me. I called UPS. They could reship it, but only to the same address. Fortunately, the next time UPS arrived at my parents’ house, everyone was home. Unfortunately, no one heard the knock on the door. My phone went back to the address police at the same nearby wireless store. Clearly, the smartphone gods hate me. Last Tuesday, I returned to the people holding my phone hostage with a recent bank statement that had both my name and my parents’ address on it.

          “Do you have a Rogers bill with the same name and address on it?” they asked.

          Were they fucking serious?

          “No,” I said. “You said I needed something that displayed the same name and address; you didn’t say it specifically had to be a Rogers bill.”

          They reluctantly gave me my phone.

          Two days later, one of my sisters, too impatient to wait for me to activate the phone myself, took the initiative to activate it for me. She’s been dying to FaceTime (I assume this is the iPhone version of Skype?) between bedrooms since she found out I ordered it. All three of my sisters were hilariously far more into this phone than I was. Personally, I just wanted to know how to call and text so I could be on my way. I was meeting a friend for dinner, and I prefer real face time over its electronic counterpart.

          As soon as I left my house, I realized that I had no data. My sister was sure that I just didn’t know how to turn it on. Friends, the indicator was green. My data was on. I had no connection. By Saturday, day three without data, it was time to call Rogers. My data sitch was solved, and I was given the refund I requested for the data portion of my bill that I’d been paying for three weeks, during which time I either didn’t have a smartphone or smartphone capabilities. With a phone that now has internet connection, my mobile life has entered 2014, friends! I can share foodie pics via Facebook and Twitter without having to bug the nearest iPhone user! Fun!

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