Blissfully Relinquishing Hope

Feb 28, 2014 by

          Let’s recap the text I received in response to telling the guy from Niagara that I was interested in a date back in December: “You’re hilarious! I’m sure we would have an amazing time, but I can’t do that at this point because I’m seeing someone. Thanks for being straightforward about it though.” My initial thought: Aw, what a sweet way to let me down easy! My immediate follow-up thought: This one is smart. In the process of rejection, he was still charming me. Let’s break down the content. The two pieces that hooked me were: “I’m sure we would have an amazing time, but . . .” and “at this point.” The first implied that he may have said yes to a date had what followed his “but” – the fact that he was seeing someone – not been true. The second implied that his answer was time-sensitive – that he was saying no, but only for now. It was obvious that he was keeping me on the backburner. I saw right through his words, but they worked anyway. I remained hopeful because I did not feel rejected. I knew he’d be back. Even though I was certain his return would not be for a date (this guy never seemed to want to date me, and the fact that my intentions had changed did not mean his would or should), I hoped he’d prove me wrong.

          Sooner than expected, the guy from Niagara reached out to me. I received a text from him almost three weeks ago. His simple, “Hey you!” reeled me right in. I was pretty sure of what he wanted, but he knew very well from our last communication that I was interested in a date. I hoped that he wasn’t insensitively attempting to bed a girl that he knows wants more than that now. I was foolish. He was implicitly obvious that he wanted sex, while I was direct in that I wanted a date. He suggested dinner at my place, which I countered with my preference to go out. It was at this point that his texts came to a halt, leading me to act out of character. Confession: I same-day double texted him. Yes, I pathetically sent a second text following a previously unanswered text. This is a dating don’t. I do not condone this kind of behaviour. I do not normally double text, and I advise people in general not to do this. It’s desperate. No matter what the second text actually says, it will always be read, “Please answer me.” I instantly regretted sending it, knowing it would yield no response. Six days later, I did more damage. Mad at myself for appearing desperate, I stupidly decided to remedy the situation by acting more desperately than I already had: I settled for the idea of dinner at my place. With this, I won his attention at the loss of my dignity.

          In light of how defeated I felt, I promised myself that I would not have sex with him. I would remain true to my intention of eventually dating the guy by keeping my legs closed. I knew this dinner, which I was doubtful would even happen, would not be a date. Both people need to perceive something as a date for it to be a date, and neither of us would. I was sure that he saw our potential dinner as a pre-sex bonus, while I saw it as a guy’s attempt to unbutton my pants. Although my pants were in serious need of being unbuttoned, I could not let him be the one to loosen them. He was more than welcome to before, when my emotions were detached from my cooch, but I have feelings for this guy now. (Feelings suck, by the way. They are the murderers of fun, casual sex.) Yeah, I’m annoyingly one of those girls. I ended up liking the guy I thought I was having no-strings sex with. Warning: Strings can attach themselves post-sex. In my case, those strings are one-sided feelings, and I hope they snap ASAP. Having feelings for a guy who I’ve seen naked more often than clothed makes me a cliché.

          Regardless of my bitterness toward my feelings, I planned to own them and ask him what he’s looking for from me. By his texts, he seemed to want and expect only sex. I couldn’t blame him. I literally jumped the guy in Niagara, proceeded to make out with him in the backseat of his car all night, and carelessly fucked him a few months later. I would expect sex too. However, for my own sanity, I needed him to know that my intentions have changed since I last saw him, in case I was somehow unclear by text. Furthermore, I needed to understand his intentions, in case I somehow wrongly interpreted his sexual innuendos, though I doubted it. Thus, the rule I set for myself was that I could make out with him all I wanted, but both parties’ clothes were to remain on and all tongues and hands were to stay above the waists.

          This rule was unnecessary. All of my contemplation was unnecessary. Our texts were unnecessary. As I suspected, there would be no dinner. My text to set the day was ignored, at which point I was finally freed of all hope that the guy from Niagara would ever be more than just that. Reciprocated interest is one of my standards. While my previous interest in sex was matched, my current interest in dating is not. Therefore, it is time to disengage, and I’m relieved. It does not make me happy to go after someone who does not want what I want, and my happiness comes first.

Happiness Tip: Do not chase.

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