Roses

Oct 30, 2013 by

          Today’s way of dating is well described by the creators of The Gaggle as non-dating. We live in the post-dating world, where few people (me!) still use the term dating. Many hesitate to define their blurry, non-platonic interactions with the opposite sex as dates. Rather, they use vague terms, like hanging out or meeting up. Call it whatever you prefer. Regardless of whether your time spent with an appealing guy or girl is referred to as dating or just chilling, you’re probably unsure of what the fuck is going on between the two of you, unless you’ve had a – gasp – conversation about it.

          It seems that nothing is ever straightforward between the sexes. Few people are willing to reveal their true intentions for fear that their own wants are different from those of the person of interest, risking what they currently have – you know, that thing they’re unable to define. Though my current dating situation is crystal clear: single with no current prospects (there’s nothing confusing about that, friends!), I am of the opinion that open communication is important when dating. I think it is best to be honest about your intentions with the person you’re interested in, as opposed to letting fear cause unnecessary confusion. I know that this is easier said than done (and truth be told, I haven’t liked anyone since I’ve come to this mentality, so I haven’t had the opportunity to lead by example), but let’s guy/girl up, peeps! Consider the alternative: ending up on Roses.

          How Roses is still thriving, I’m not sure. Everyone in the GTA must know about this segment on Virgin Radio. If I was called and offered a dozen roses to send to someone for free, I’d instantly know that I’m on the radio. For those of you who aren’t familiar with Roses (unfamiliar Toronto residents, do you live under a rock?), someone calls in who either suspects that their significant other is cheating or is uncertain of where they stand in their relationship. Virgin’s hosts of The Breakfast Show, Mad Dog and Maura, reach out to the person in question to offer a dozen roses that can be sent to anyone at no cost (do people still send flowers in the post-dating world?). Fidelity and/or relationship statuses are clarified based on who the recipient of the supposedly complimentary roses chooses to send them to. It’s hilarious!

          Today’s episode was especially funny. Because of it, I had a highly entertaining drive to work this morning. I wouldn’t be surprised if the cars beside me heard me laughing. Below is an example of what happens when there is a lack of communication between a guy and a girl. (Note: The dialogue, which is subject to the accuracy of my memory, has been shortened to only include what is relevant to my point. Names have been changed because I can’t remember the real ones.)

 

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          I missed the beginning, but from what I gathered, a girl (let’s call her Stephanie) called in about a guy (let’s call him John) that she’s been dating for six months but has only had sex with once, making her uncertain of where they stand, and rightfully so. (I would have stopped dating this guy after a month of not putting out. Just sayin’.) Adding to her confusion, she saw that he received a dick pic from one of his guy friends.

          Mad Dog told Stephanie not to worry about that last part. According to him, guys send these pictures to each other for shock value. He brushed it off as a guy thing. (I wasn’t so sure, but hey, I’m a girl.)

          They called John, who knew about Roses. Stephanie was brought back on the line to chat about the situation. “Hi John,” Stephanie said sheepishly.

          “Stephanie? What’s going on?” he said with a surprising amount of enthusiasm.

          “Well, we’ve been seeing each other for about six months now, and we’ve only adult wrestled once –” she started.

          “What do you mean? We’ve never adult wrestled,” he interrupted, obviously perplexed. (Cue the onset of my uncontrollable laughter for the remainder of my drive. I may have gone into work still laughing about this.)

          Clearly offended, she argued, “Yes, we have! I can’t believe you don’t remember!”

          “Was there alcohol involved?” Mad Dog intervened.

          “Yes,” Stephanie admitted.

          “Ahhh,” Mad Dog sighed in understanding.

          Stephanie continued, “I just don’t understand. Are you uncomfortable with adult wrestling? We’ve been dating for six months. It just seems like we should have adult wrestled more by now.”

          John’s tone of surprise escalated as he clarified, “We’re not dating.” (I was losing my ability to breathe by this point.)

          “What? Yes, we are! We’ve been going on dates for six months!” Stephanie angrily exclaimed.

          “We’ve been hanging out for six months,” John corrected her. “Oh, Stephanie, I’m sorry. This has happened before. You’re not the first girl to think this. Stephanie, I’m gay.”

          “But we’ve made out!” she protested.

          “I kiss all of my girl friends,” he said nonchalantly. (Laugh. Out. Louder!)

          “What? What kind of person are you?” she asked rhetorically, her voice rising.

          “Look at it this way: now we can talk about all of the hot guys we like together!” he failed to console her. (This guy was killing me!)

          “Oh my God, I’m so embarrassed!” she responded.

 

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          Friends, don’t let this happen to you. Be upfront. (I hope that I have the balls to take my own advice when the time comes.) Furthermore, if you haven’t been listening to Roses, get on it! See what your mornings are missing?

 
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