Fear-induced False Reality

Mar 31, 2013 by

          Five days ago, I lost my person. If you’re a Grey’s Anatomy fan, you know what I mean. Christina and Grey are best friends on the show. They are so close that Grey’s husband instinctively knows to sleep on the couch whenever Christina comes over in the middle of the night for whatever reason. Christina’s ex-husband (it’s complicated) also knows the deal.

          Earlier this season, Christina told Grey that she’s not her person. My heart sank. Breaking friendships, no matter how fictional, make me sad. Recently, I played the real life role of Grey when my person told me that she’s not sure if she still wants me in her life. In the seconds it took her to tell me that, I felt everything around me stop.

          Over four years ago, something happened that negatively impacted our friendship. Out of respect, I won’t elaborate on it here. Since then, I’ve been on self-defense mode around her, horrified that the end of the most important friendship of my life was coming and certain that she was the only one who could make that fear a reality. This led me to act in ways that I’m ashamed of by clinging to her with all of my being, resulting in what may now be the actual end of our friendship. Evidently, there was one other person capable of making my fear real: me. I made my own worst fear happen by spending four years reacting to something that, until recently, only could have happened. I acted as if it was a certainty. In fact, I acted as if it had already happened. Meanwhile, she was a perfect best friend to me.

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